cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize