His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
