oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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