Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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