Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
