you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
