My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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