sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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