Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
