ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
