a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
