my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
