Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
