here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
