Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize