my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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