i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
