the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just gargled with NyQuil
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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