omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
