If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
