last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
