I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
