I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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