I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
