do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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