Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
