There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
