Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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