you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
