I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
