put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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