Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
