genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
