You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
His hands were made for my vagina.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize