just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
