I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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