I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
