I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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