"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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