Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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