Your dad touched me again.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize