Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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