You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
