What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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