the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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