She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize