I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
