theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's blow job season.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
