grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
