why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Mom said you looked used
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
