the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Drunk is not a location!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
