i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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