One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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