Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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