break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
