goodnight i made you a song goodbye
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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