shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
