He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Every concussion has its silver lining
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize