Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
