tell your sister to shave her snatch
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
