I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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