3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
