I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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