let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
