the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
