Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
