I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
